


and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

by snappy_nincompoop



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, Mama Griffin is kinda awful, Teacher!Lexa, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, doctor!clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:22:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6491581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snappy_nincompoop/pseuds/snappy_nincompoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?//Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day<br/>//And head back to the Milky Way?//And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?//<br/>Was it everything you wanted to find?//And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"<br/>-Drops of Jupiter, Train</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>"What shook you the most, was that she didn’t miss a detail. Not that you’d expect her to, because she’s always been detail oriented. </p>
<p>She even took the overcoat she hung by the door. </p>
<p>She took everything. Well, almost everything.</p>
<p>She forgot you."<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

**Author's Note:**

> This is hella angsty. Just letting you know. 
> 
> It gets better though! Like! There's happiness!
> 
> These [are](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQDoIzNKVSY) [good](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJwE8Lg2fZk) [songs](https://www.youtube.com/v/V3b1CDLsiGU?autoplay=1) for this fic.
> 
> Also, to those who like my other [1oo fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6215455/chapters/14240113), it is coming soon. I just needed a way to work through my week. I'll be writing most this weekend if everything goes to plan. 
> 
> I'm smol-gay-with-glasses on tumblr. I'm quite friendly. A bit shy though.

You miss her. 

You miss her like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Because she’s left you. She left, with nothing remaining in your shared apartment. 

You woke up to cold sheets, her arm missing from around your waist.

You got up, thinking that she could be at the gym or making breakfast. It’s happened before. She was an early riser. 

You sat up and stretched. It was the weekend, the weekend you had planned to meet with your friends and drag her along.

You had rubbed your eyes, scanning the room. 

That’s when you were suspicious.

You saw the closet door slightly ajar, which never happened. She couldn't sleep unless it was fully closed.

You padded over to it, opening the door to reveal a half empty closet. 

All her clothes, her shoes, her stuffed elephant Gustus she kept hidden unless there was a storm.

All gone.

Your heart started beating faster. Panicking, you had ran to the kitchen. There had to be an explanation.

There wasn’t.

The kitchen was pitifully empty, and you had run over to the cabinets.

Opening them frantically, you saw she took her mug she drank her black coffee in, she took the plate she served your birthday meal on, she took the cup that had a cis on the rim from when you scared her and she dropped it.

By this point, tears were streaming down your face.

You slam the cabinets shut, all but breaking the wood.

You walk to the living room.

You see key pieces missing.

The blanket she used to keep you warm when you were sick. The beat up sneakers always put next to the couch, always making you trip. The random piles of hair pins that she discarded after work. The red scarf she wore if it was windy and cold. The movies you used to watch when you were both too tired to go out but wanted a date. The papers that were aways scattered across the coffee table, making you uneasy that she might forget them on her way to class. The glasses always put next to the papers, because she said that she’d always remember her papers because of her glasses. The empty and stained tea cup she’d use when grading papers. The jacket that was usually haphazardly thrown on the couch. The posters of the stars that looked so out of place, but you had loved it anyway. The telescope tucked in the corner of the room next to the window, because her passion was better than any look the apartment could have.

What shook you the most, was that she didn’t miss a detail. Not that you’d expect her to, because she’s always been detail oriented. 

She even took the overcoat she hung by the door. 

She took everything. Well, almost everything.

She forgot you.  
____________________________________________________________________________

You remembered you were meeting with your friends.

You had become mechanical, numb, driving on autopilot.

You weren’t sure how you got to the coffee shop. You were thinking. 

How could she leave?

You entered, your head down, and went to the queue to order.

You didn’t see your friends murmuring quietly, looking at you with concerned glances.

You didn’t see Octavia getting up, looking at you with a furrowed brow.

You grab your order, and you aren’t even surprised she’s standing there.

You had got a defeated look in your eyes and you know it.

She took the coffee and put it back on the counter before wrapping you in a bear hug.

You broke into sobs, ugly hiccups of cries, tears staining everything they can reach.

You realized that she took your heart, but forgot the rest of you.  
____________________________________________________________________________

It took months before you returned to your normal self. You weren’t the same, per se, but you could go through your week with reminders of her and not dwell on what you might have done wrong.

The sadness had evolved, changed as much as you had.  
You had become bitter. Angry. Furious.  
____________________________________________________________________________

You remember her loving the stars. You remember her making out the constellations for you when you sat on the roof of the apartment building. You remember her loving astronomy, having posters, telescopes, and knowing every story behind every light in the sky.

You didn’t appreciate the night before her. It had scared you. Catcalls and horny guys wandering the streets, car crashes and impaired vision.

You hate the night now.

It was the cloak of her betrayal. It was the dark of the night that let her slip away out of your grasp. It was the shadows that gave her the cowardice.

You still like to look at the stars, but it is no longer wonder filling your eyes. 

It’s hate.

It’s longing.

It’s asking why.

It’s never getting an answer.  
____________________________________________________________________________

You had talked with Lincoln and Anya. Maybe they knew.

They were as clueless and concerned as you were.

A few days after she left, the you got a letter in the mail.

“Clarke,

Do not take this in the way I know you will. It was never you. You were are perfect. I just need space. I need to breathe. I’ve got responsibilities that have never been worked towards. I don’t want to hold you back.

Please understand. This was to free you. I was tying you down. Even your mother said so.

I’m sorry,

Lexa”  
____________________________________________________________________________  
“Hey Clarke! I’m so glad you called-“

“What did you say to Lexa, Mom.”

“What do you mean?”

“She left, Mom. She-“

“I always knew she was trouble. I knew she would hurt-“

“Listen to me! She sent me a letter, saying you said that she was tying me down. Did you say that to her? Why did she talk to you? When?”

“…”

“Answer me.”

“Yes. I said that.”

“Why?!”

“You were meant to finish medical school! She-”

“I did finish medical school, Mom. I work at a hospital. You know this.”

“Yes, but-“   
“But what, Mom?! I gave up my dream so you would be proud of me! I wanted to be an artist!”

“She is a teacher. They make no money.”

“Money isn’t the only fucking thing in the world, Mom. Why did she even talk to you?”

“…”

“Goddamn it, answer me!”

“She was asking for your hand in marriage. I said no.”

“…”

“Clarke, I know what you must be feeling-“

“You ruin everything I love. First Dad, then Finn, now Lexa. What the fuck do you want from me?”

“Clarke, I-“

“You know what? I never want to speak to you again.”  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

You checked the return address on the letter. Maybe she would want you to find her.

It was your address.

You have no idea where she could be.  
____________________________________________________________________________

She had a job, but so did you. 

You were trying to stay sane as a doctor. 

You had made a name for yourself. You were highly respected, and therefore highly requested.

You called in sick for the first time.

You walked to the campus she worked at. 

You had come here for lunch before, bringing her a surprise and embarrassing her in front of her students.

You don’t know why she became a high school government and economics teacher. It baffles you.

It’s morning, and you know she has a class right now. 

You walk in the double doors, and the receptionist recognizes you. 

She gives you a smile and a visitor’s pass, and the smile you return doesn’t reach her eyes.

You slowly walk down the halls. There’s the occasional kid wandering the halls, but classes are in session and you’re glad you’re not fighting a stream of teenagers to get to the door.

You come to a stop in front of her classroom.

The door is shut, but you can see Lexa talking with her students, laughing, smiling.

Is it an act?

Is she really happier without you?

“She misses you, Miss Clarke.”

You spin around to see Aden, Lexa’s favorite student (not that she said it, but you knew).

“She seems happy, but it’s easy to see she’s hurting when she thinks no one is looking.”

Aden wraps an arm around your shoulders and gives you a comforting squeeze. 

“Thank you, Aden.”  
You give him a smile, and he lets go of you, gives a little wave, and returns to class.

You sigh.

There’s a chair outside her room for whatever reason, so you sit down. 

After about fifteen minutes, the bell rings and the kids swarm out of the rooms and rush to their next class.

You know she has a free period now.

Her door is open, and you can hear her shaky breaths.

Maybe she’s as broken as you are.

You stand up slowly, taking deep breaths that are as steady as hers.

You rap your knuckles on the door frame, and she whips her head up to look.

You can see the heartbreak in her eyes.

“Clarke, I-“

Her voice broke as tears started welling up in her eyes.

“I am so, so sorry.”

All your past anger, past bitterness, past furious behavior melted when you saw those eyes.

“I-I wanted us. I didn’t want this. I-“

Her head fell, tears streaming down her face. 

“I didn’t know what to do.”

She’s curled in on herself in her chair, her hands covering her face.

You know she hates it when people see her cry.

“Lex-“

You reach out to her, and she cries louder.  
____________________________________________________________________________

“Clarke! I thought-“

“I don’t care. Just stay away from her, okay?”

“What-“

“Look, she asked me to marry her. I said yes.”

“I don’t think-“

“I don’t care what you think. We could have discussed this like the adults we are, but you decided to betray me. Don’t think I’ll forgive you this time.”

“Please, I-“

“We’re having a wedding. I’d like if you came, but if you can’t pull yourself together and be happy for me, then stay far away. Am I clear?”

“…”

“Classy. Ignore me until you get what you want. It won’t work.”

“Fine. Then I don’t want to go, because I-“   
“Goodbye. Don’t call again. Don’t show up.”  
____________________________________________________________________________

You’ve never been this nervous and excited.

You’re getting married to Lexa.

You and she agreed to have a less traditional wedding-short and colored dresses, outdoors, less vows about God and more of the love filled promises to each other.

It’s outside, in a canopy of trees and lights and music. It feels less like a wedding and more like a celebration, which is what you two wanted.

The dinner after will be in a refurbished warehouse, just a ten minute walk from the altar. 

You two came here after many other venues, and fell in love with this one.

Your dress is white and a deep red, one that Lexa says contrasts your eyes in the perfect way. It reaches your knees after puffing out from your waist. You’ve got makeup that makes you feel truly beautiful.

You know Lexa will look better. ____________________________________________________________________________

It hurts and feels so amazing walking down the aisle. 

Your father isn’t here to see it. 

Your mother didn’t want to.

You asked Bellamy to walk you down. The man is like a brother to you, and he understands your pain.

Lexa was walked down by her brother Lincoln. Her sister and mother, Anya and Inrda, are sitting in the front row of her family’s side. There are many, many people here for her. It looks like a whole army.

All your friends sit on your side, which looks pitifully empty.

There are around seven people sitting on your side.

Marcus Kane, on the board of directors at the hospital, and like a father and mentor to you. 

Harper and Monroe, both nurses and excited to be here for you. You like them. The listen to you and don’t get upset when you half shout during a surgery.

Monty, who helped you find this place. He is gentle and cares for both you and Lexa. He’s also the only person who knows the full story of what happened. He works at the high school Lexa teaches at as a computers and engineering mentor, and she talked to him about it.

Miller, Monty’s boyfriend, who works at the school also. He’s the school’s counselor and the sponsor for the GSA.

Octavia and Raven are your bridesmaids, with Bellamy and Wells being groomsmen.

You stand at the altar before Lexa is walked down the aisle. 

Ryder, Quill, Roan, and Luna are Lexa’s bridesmaids and groomsmen. Lincoln is walking her down the aisle. 

You close your eyes and grip the flowers harder.

Inhale, exhale.

She won’t leave again.  
____________________________________________________________________________

You’ve been standing there longer than planned.

You’re freaking out.

Did she back out?

Did you mother show up to scare her away again?

You down the carpet laid over the grass.

You don’t want to be abandoned at the altar.

You hear the rustle of people running in grass.

You look up to the source, and you see Lexa on Lincoln’s arm, pale as a sheet.

You give her a confused look, before she nods her head backwards.

It’s your mother.

Lincoln precedes to walk Lexa down, the color returning to her face the longer she looks at you.  
____________________________________________________________________________

By the time you’re saying your vows, you’ve forgotten all about your mother.

“Lexa, as annoying as you can be,” the audience’s chuckles interrupt you, and you give her a smile, “I love you more than this Earth. I love you to the stars and back. I love you forever in this life and the next. I love you even though you forget coasters and stain the coffee table with your tea. I love you even though you work yourself sick. I love you on the days where I have twenty-four hour shifts and don’t get to see you. I love you on days when we fight. I love you on days when we’re stressed and can’t figure anything out,” you slip on her ring, and you notice she’s crying. She’s not covering her face this time, “I love you even though you try to be tough but you’re actually a candle loving dork and our apartment makes me sneeze. I love you even when you burn toast because you’re tired from grading papers. I love you, so much. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Lexa lets out a sob, and even though you’re not supposed to yet, you pull her in for a hug. You rub her back while she clutches at your waist. 

She mumbles into your shoulder.

“What did you say, Lex?”

She straightened up, wiped under her eyes, and spoke with a shaky voice, “I said ‘Goddamn it Griffin, I liked my makeup.’”

The audience laughs, and you give her a face splitting smile.

Lexa takes a deep breath in and starts her vows, “Clarke. I’m not quite sure what I did to deserve you. Even after… the incident, you still loved me. I cannot thank you enough. I’m not easy to love, nor am I the best housemate apparently.” The audience laughs again, and you’re glad that she feels comfortable around you. “I love you more than the stars, more than this Earth, more than any joke, any comment, any problem that may stand in our way. I know we need to face things together, not apart. I love you more than any words can express.” 

She giggles, and poke her and give her a confused glare.

“Your vows sounded so much better than mine and I had this super romantic speech memorized but I’m so nervous I forgot it,” she mumbled, “but I do love you, so, so much.”

You throw your head back laughing, because of course Lexa wouldn’t let anyone else hear that.

**Author's Note:**

> Cool! You made it!
> 
> Quick question: do you think there should be another chapter? I was thinking it could have been longer but... school work... 
> 
> Leave comments if you want to tell me anything. That's why the comments are there. To comment.


End file.
